Choosing to adopt is a big decision. And in my opinion, it’s more of a calling. You and your spouse talk about it, read about it, pray about it, and if possible get advice from those who have experienced it. And then, when the timing is right you start the process. You complete hours of classes, finish your home study, and turn in every piece of paper pushed your way. Now comes the wait. It varies for everyone, but one day you get a call. The call you’ve been waiting for but are never actually ready for. They have a placement. With all the joy and excitement you never see it coming. The feels you can’t seem to share with anyone. It’s a struggle some go through alone. The unspoken emotions after placements.
I never wanted to completely share what I felt during those early days of placement. I didn’t want my children to find out one day, and possibly think I didn’t love them then. And how would my husband’s view of me? Would he be disappointed? My family and friends, no way, did I want to open up to them. Imagining their judgmental looks, or the possible ‘I told you so’ when all I was looking for was support.
I felt like the ambassador of adoption. With that thought and the self-appointed position I led myself to believe that I couldn’t show any weakness or doubt. I convinced myself that I was responsible for how others looked at this process. How they viewed adoption; so I couldn’t mess up.
Sadness & Guilt
I didn’t understand it then, but I was grieving for our then only child. After the miscarriage, my husband and I were blessed to become again pregnant with our rainbow baby six months later. Once our princess was born, our life was filled with joy. The sun shined brighter than it had before. Life was good again. Maybe even better. I was excited, though nerves, being a new mom. I knew I wanted more children. But after three years with no success, we revisited the idea of adoption. After my first pregnancy/miscarriage, adoption had been something my husband and I seriously considered.
And even after the birth of our daughter, it remained something we wanted to do. Once our older two children were placed with us, I unexpectedly felt sad for her, however. I felt selfish in wanting more children. I worried that our now youngest wouldn’t feel as loved. Or maybe that she’d feel replaced. Life as an only child, and growing up with siblings are two very different experiences. I felt heartsick and confused. Was it OK to feel this sadness?
Stressed & Worry
In the days to come, I became nervous at the task ahead of me. I had barely become comfortable parenting my then three year old, and now I had two older children who needed more than my experience could cover. They weren’t so young that my parenting mistakes could go unnoticed. I always worried that I’d say the wrong thing, appearing to be insensitive or ignorant of their past. I feared the possibility of running into their birth family while out with them. Being caught in a situation that the classes clearly didn’t cover. I dreaded hearing about their past. And I feared not hearing about it because they didn’t feel comfortable with me. There was a permanent knot in my stomach.
Shame & Rejection
Because I feared so many situations and felt sadden for her first born (though she took to her new siblings right away), waves of shame washed over me. I had asked for this; I had wanted this. So why wasn’t I happy? That question rattled area in my brain, and I hated myself for it. Early on we had attachment challenges which were unexpected and disheartening. The dream of both parties falling in love with one another on sight was shattered.
A few times I tried to hint to my unhappiness and feelings of rejection, but quickly was met by confused family members, and slightly judgment friends. At that point, I told myself never to say another word about adoption unless it was positive. I had convinced myself that it was better to carry these feelings in secret, than to be judged and shamed for reaching out.
Hindsight is an amazing thing. God led me to this, of course, he’d lead me through it. I spent far too much time in my head manufacturing problems that didn’t excuse. Overthinking and worrying made me feel sick and exhausted. I now realize that I was experiencing post-adoption depression. It is less commonly known but is similar to postpartum depression. Not having experienced this after giving birth to my daughter, I didn’t have the slightest idea why I felt the way I did. It was as if I wasn’t in control of my emotions. The negative thoughts came in waves, and I nearly lost myself in them.
Clearly, the broad and often overwhelming array of emotions that I experience in the early parts of placement were normal. And I now know that I shouldn’t have faced them alone. Keeping everything bottled up was a challenging and stressful full time job. Having a better understanding of post-adoption depression, I now also realized that it could have been much worst.
I share this part of my story now as my family, and I are nearing another placement anniversary. I can’t stand to think that someone else could be facing similar struggles. Knowing that your not alone in this journey is important. And having someone to talk to is crucial. Please consider joining a local adoption support group. They can provide you with insight, that only those who have gone through this journey can. And if that isn’t enough there is no shame in getting professional help.
I pray my experience has also enlightened family/friends of adoptive parents. They need your support. At times you may not understand their struggles, and you may even find yourself questioning their choices. But remember being a parent is hard enough, and adoption brings with it some unique variables. So don’t be so quick to judge.
If you see signs of post-adoption depression, take it seriously. Help them get the help they need.
With all the uncertainty in adoption, it may be hard for outsiders to see the beauty in it. I have never regretted my decision, and I rarely think back to those early days. Life is normal now. My family is average. We have good days and bad ones like everyone else. And though this post has solely focused on the difficult side of adoption I’m happy that its changed me. I’ve learned to love in new ways and discovered that the deepest of love can’t be measured. My journey was difficult, and the path wasn’t always clear. But I’m glad I took steps in faith moving forward. I’ve embraced the past hardships because it has lead me to where I am now.