I am as embarrassed as am relieved to share that I have had my fair share of mommy meltdowns. A meltdown for me can vary from being overtaken by my emotions and unable to speak. To yelling and pacing, or giving everyone the silent treatment. But no matter which avenue I take my eyes fill with tears, and I cry. Sometimes it doesn’t take much to set me off; shoes left downstairs for the fourth time that week, kids homework being turned in late, or having to repeat myself multiple times throughout the day. My breaking point varies from day-to-day. But I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I am NOT A PATIENT PERSON! And if being a mom came with a job description a degree in patience would be a requirement.
When our first child was born, I remember crying a lot and feeling super guilty about it. I was a first-time mom (and a worrier by nature) so getting use to all those first-time experiences was rough. When I was pregnant with our daughter, I was juggling a very busy schedule. I’d was working full time and a part-time student. I loved it. I was moving up in my career and a natural student. When I found out I was expecting my husband and I both agreed that I would stay at home. But not until I actually became a stay at home mother did I understand how isolating that could be. There were many days and nights during her first few months where I had cried. I wondered if we had made a terrible mistake. But don’t judge me, I was getting use to this new life. One which included no sleep, consent diaper changes and feedings, with little to no adult interaction (until my husband return from work). I did love our daughter from the moment I met her, but I didn’t understand how huge the transition would be.
Then when our older two children were first placed with us, I again questioned my abilities. If all of our kids weren’t getting along I’d wonder if I’d every be able to teach them how to have a ‘loving’ sibling bond with each other. I’d go and cry in my room thinking that being an only child had somehow handicapped me. I felt unable to help them solve their problems. When I started homeschooling them over the summer (to tutor them, so they were prepared for the next school year), and they struggled to understand the material, I felt heart broken. The feeling of failure was compounded by the fact that I had worked in the education field for many years. When my son and I didn’t have an immediate mother-son-bond that I had dreamt of I felt unlovable (yes, I know it was unrealistic to expect so much so soon). Or when my oldest daughter would talk so lovingly about her birth mom, (which I knew to expect, but it was still hurt to hear), and not for the reasons you may think. But the hardest I cried hands down was when our adoption date kept being moved back (we waited two years). I felt angry and frustrated because I had no say in the matter. And yes, I cried when I had to share the news.
Finally, when I had our last baby girl I again had to get use to a new dynamic in our family. With our first born (she was an only at that time) I was able to make my schedule whatever it needed to be for her. But with our latest bundle of joy she was one of four. I would have deal with the crazy nighttime routines by myself and still have to get up in the morning and get her siblings off to school. Then help with homework, get them to and from cheer/baseball practice, while trying to keep the baby on some kind of nap schedule. I was (and still I’m) exhausted. When she got her first cold and was sad and restless, I felt helpless. When she wanted to be handle all the time, and I couldn’t because my back is killing me, I feel like a cold mom. And when I’m dealing with a million little/unimportant things and don’t give her 100% of my attention I am filled with regret because I know how quick this time will go by.
From the sound of it I know my life may come across as being crazy stressful, and that I cry aka meltdown way to often. And it’s true, but I also cry when I’m happy and still worry when things are good. That is just who I am. I like to say that I’m a very passionate person. When I’m hurt I feel it deeply, and when I love I’m loyal to the end. So it shouldn’t be a surprise that I have as many of these ‘moments’ as I do (come to think of it I’m surprised I don’t have more). But I say all of this because I want to remind myself and you that with all the stress, frustration, and exhaustion I go through I am also privileged to witness innocence, growth, and overwhelming love. I don’t want anyone who reads this (especially those who don’t have kids) to think ‘forget having kids,’ or ‘her life sucks.’ I hope you’ll understand that I’m (and many others like me) willing to go through all of this because it’s so rewarding. Many years from now I may even look back at ever argument, and tantrum fondly.
So for now I’ll continue to be an imperfect mom who overthinks, overstresses, and at times overlooks things, while also trying to be a mom who listens fully, loves deeply, and laughs loudly. And with all the ups and downs of life you can bet that I’ll cry over both the sweet and bittersweet moments.
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