Morning deep in thought

Waking up in the morning I usually laid in my bed wishing for five more minutes. But this morning I found myself deep in thought taking shock of my life so far. Here I am just a hop, skip, and jump away from my forties. My life seems to have the fast forward button permanently depressed. Time is literally flying by. And this morning a question keeps rolling around in my head, “Am I where I thought I’d be?” The simplest answer, No.

What I didn’t plan for

I didn’t think that at this point in my life I wouldn’t have a career. That my closet and oldest friend would be a total stranger or that the childish behavior of some of my relatives would continue into adulthood. But most of all I didn’t plan for our family structure and dynamic to dramatically change. The thought of it still leaves me gasping for air. From all counts these statements may seem to reveal a sadden unfulfilled life. But it’s quite the contrary.

Here I am at home

I don’t have a career outside the home by choice. Instead, I homeschool ours girls full-time. This is the best decision we’ve made for our family. But with that said this is the hardest job I’ve ever done. It requires all of me. There are hours/days of planning and organizing school supplies and curriculum with no sick days or pay. It all can get a bit overwhelming and then there’s a moment that if you blink you may miss it. A moment when your daughter masters a skill or faces a fear and you are there to of seeing it, first-hand. That overshadows all the worries and stress. That’s what makes what I do the best job ever.

Some relationships are for a season

A friendship I once held so dear to my heart had become toxic. But I was reluctant to admit it. Yet, when the end came it was necessary. The years of fun moments are memories I’ll carry with me as are the lessons that I learned from all that led up to the end. I have become stronger and more independent than I ever let myself believe I could be. If truth, loyalty, and love don’t abound in a relationship then it is not one worth holding onto. I’ve realized my worth and will never again settle for any relationship where I compromise myself or my morals.

Family or relatives

Here I know I don’t stand alone. Who doesn’t have a difficult relationship with someone in their family. But I learned from my husband’s own experience that being ‘family’ isn’t a free pass to mistreat one another simply because DNA is involved. I know there will always be disagreements, distance because of busy schedules, etc. But you’re either family or just a relative. Family will always have your best interest in mind and want to see you success. They’re there through life ups and downs. Relatives only show up to find out what’s going on so they have something/someone to talk about. Knowing this difference has saved us from being part of many family dramas.

Moving forward

Our family has changed. I once had four children running and yelling throughout our house. Now, there are only three. Because of the sensitive nature of these circumstance I won’t go into detail, but our son no longer lives in our home. This has been to most disheartening experience of all. I will never have the chance of raising my son and that is a tragedy I’m reminded of anytime a strangers asks the seemingly simply question, “how many kids do you have?” For those who know us and what we’ve gone through it is still impossible to explain to them that I mourn for someone who is still alive. In this sadden I am reminded how precious every moment is. Now more than ever I pour myself out in order to know that my girls are filled. It won’t change what we’ve lost but it will help us to continue to move forward together.

Again I say, here I am. Nearing my forties in a place I could never imagine I’d be. With sorrows I’d never thought I’d experience, yet I feel love, peace, and forgiveness. I am happy with this life. No I’m not crazy, I’ve just learned to find joy in my circumstances even when I don’t always understand the “why.” I am not where I thought I’d be, but I am happy where I am.

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world. John 16:33