Our oldest two children (a son and a daughter) are adopted. I, usually, don’t go out of my way to share this with strangers. But that is only because I don’t look at them any differently then I do my biological children, and I don’t want others to either.
Our journey in choosing adoption started back in 2007 (though when I was a child I made the decision that I’d adopt when I was older). But that’s a story for a later time.
Today will mark two years that our little loves have been with us. Now in all honesty this process isn’t for everyone. There is a lot of paperwork, classes, home inspections, etc. and that’s just to get your home license. Through it all, you’ll be faced with emotions like angry, frustration, sadness and at time’s uncertainty. But that’s why when you make it to the other side it feels so rewarding. You learn to love in a way you never thought possible, and exercise patience. You let go of the need to try and control uncontrollable situations, and change becoming more flexible than you were before. Going through these trails helps you learn to appreciate the small moments, and take nothing for granted.
Our children were placed with us at the age of seven and eight. These ages in county terms already put them in the ‘older children’ category…and sadly older children have more difficulty being adopted. They spent their early years living with multiple birth family members and then in foster care for two years before being placed with us. They had experience things in life that few of us can even begin to understand. And all of this occurred during a time when they should have been enjoying life, and seeing the world through innocent eyes. So, needless to say, when they came to us there were many things we ‘all’ had to learn…and quickly.
At the time, we had one biological daughter (who was three years old). So we also had the unique challenge of getting her use to our new family structure, and helping all of them to build a relationship with each other. The first two weeks felt like the longest of my life. My husband and I had to rethink the way we were going to raise our kids, and we had to prepare and educate our family and friends. But for me the hardest thing I had to deal with was the one thing I thought I was the most prepared for; missing out on many of their first.
Not having a photo of them as babies stung more than I could have previously imagine. I had to grieve over each of those losses, in the same way, my children had to grieve theirs losses. I also had to deal with the guilt I felt over not having that ‘love at first sight’ moment with them as I did with my biological daughter the moment the doctor placed her in my arms. I realize now that I did love them even before I met them, but because it wasn’t the same experience I feared that there was something wrong with me and that I was a terrible person. During this time, my husband had his work cut out for him. Not only was he going through all of this himself, and working full time outside the home, but he also had to support me when I questioned my parenting abilities.
My husband and I would stay up late many nights discussing our frustrations with the process, our county worker, birth family, and even at times the kids themselves. I believe this experience would have been ten time’s harder to go through if I didn’t have his support. I tend to over-think things at times and occasionally let the little stuff get under my skin. So having him there to pull me out of that funk time and time again was a lifesaver.
Looking back now its hard to believe that they’ve only been in our life for two years. With all we’ve been through our time together seems twice as long. Guess that explains why I’m so exhausted (and hopefully a little wiser). I know that we still have many years ahead of us that will present us with new challenges. And from what experts say these issues show up around milestone markers; teen years, graduates, marriage, etc. And hey, difficulties come with the traitor when being a parent.
But we have an amazing support group, and our bond is seal. These two kids have stolen our hearts. They are the most amazing, talented, creative kids I know. And I’m proud to be their mom. At times I almost forget that they haven’t been with us forever when my daughter starts acting goofy (like my husband), or when our son makes a face expressing his irritation with something (the way I do). And have to say that I do love when people say how much they look like me or my husband (and they don’t know that their adopted).
They are wonderful and maddening at the same time…and as odd as it may sound to some of you, that’s how my husband and I know that we’re doing something right. Though the way they came into our life may be different, our hopes and dreams, and fears and worries as parents are the same as any other. And their love and stubbornness with us is the same as any other kid their age.
So if you think that adoption maybe something you want to consider then do your homework. Get your questions answered by those who work in the field, and by those who have gone through the process (and ignore everything else). My personal advice is to check with your counties foster care department first.
I am so happy that today we get to celebrate our two little blessings entranced our life. And what better day to celebrate it on then today. A day where their only in school half the day (which always means more homework), and everyone has practice to get to around the same time (at different locations). Yup, it’s a wonderfully special, normal day for our family 🙂
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For the record, I am NOT “head injured”, “brain damaged” or “cognitively impaired”, have had approximately 60 ECTs with the next maintenance one next week. Yes, there is a bit of memory loss and yes I am a lucky one. I am a mother of 3, grandmother of 2, loving wife, fulltime employed RN and have a university degree. I also have a wonderful psychiatrist who I would, and indeed do, trust with my life. I will live with the amnesia rather than the depression any day. Without ECT I would have been dead a long time ago, so my family and friends also say THANK YOU ECT. You keep our loved one alive.
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